Three weeks after the royal wedding, and the media here in the UK is still desperately trying to keep our attention with updates on Wills & Kate’s honeymoon destination, and more importantly — Pippa Middleton’s bum. Forget the violent repression of an uprising in Syria, the IMF chief being accused of rape, or the death of Osama bin Laden – Pippa Middleton’s bum trumps all. Come on, this is important stuff! We need to know if she wore Spanx or practiced a regimen of daily pilates to achieve that kind of headline-grabbing rear. Because all women care about, really, is how their ass looks. And clearly, all straight men care about is how a woman’s ass looks.
Anyway, gay men naturally have no interest in Pippa Middleton’s bum, which I find refreshing. They’re more interested in the actual royals, not the in-laws. When he had more hair, Prince William was a gay icon, Prince Harry likely still is, and of course, their mom Diana commanded a legion of homosexual admirers around the world. These days, however, gay activists have an interest in Wills and Kate for other reasons. The day before the royal wedding, the Equal Love Campaign arrived in front of Buckingham Palace with a giant greeting card for William and Kate. It read:
Congratulations William & Kate on your Wedding Day. We wish you a happy life together. You can get married, gay people can’t. We are banned by law. We ask you to support marriage equality.
Not quite Hallmark, and thus far, there has been no response from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. But I’m not surprised. After all, I doubt few straight newlyweds have a to-do list that reads like this:
- Get married
- Go on honeymoon
- Legalize gay marriage
However, we do know William & Kate have gay friends, so wouldn’t it be cool if somewhere in their glittering future as photogenic charitable-cause idols, they decided to adopt the cause of gay marriage? After all, once the Future King of Britain decides to champion something, who can say no? Whether we like it or not, the monarchy adds legitimacy — to a country, to a society, or to a humanitarian cause.
But if we wanted to take things one step further, you know what would really hammer home the rainbow flag in our sociopolitical landscape? If a gay royal ever decided to come out of the closet.
Now, history is full of royals who, according to rumor or verifiable fact, were gay. Prince George, Duke of Kent (reference point: younger brother of Colin Firth’s character in The King’s Speech) was notoriously bisexual, and reputedly had affairs with Noel Coward and his own cousin Louis Ferdinand, Prince of Prussia. The Crusader Richard the Lionhearted (reference point: Anthony Hopkins in The Lion in Winter) apparently got it on with Philip II of France (Timothy Dalton in The Lion in Winter). Then of course, there’s Edward II King of England (the effeminate lispy prince in Braveheart) whose numerous homosexual affairs so angered his French wife, that she eventually took a lover, left the country, invaded it with an army, and deposed her own husband. Edward II died in prison, and according to popular legend, was executed for his misdeeds by having a red-hot poker shoved up his anus. (Let’s face it: Gay Englishman + French wife. It was never going to end well.)
Well, times have changed. These days , if a gay royal were ever treated like that, human rights watch groups would be on top of you like Elton John on David Furnish. (Or maybe it’s the other way around.) Prince William’s just married a commoner, and the monarchy has gone from being an antiquated bloodline of rulers by divine right to a PR-polished troupe of patriotically beloved philanthropists. They’re living symbols, as evidenced by the Queen’s recent visit to Ireland.
So I think it’s high time a gay royal came out of the closet. That’d definitely be symbolic. Not convinced? Well, I’ve even compiled a list to help you along:
Top Ten Reasons To Come of Out of the Closet If You’re a Gay Royal
1) Guaranteed Status as a Fashion Icon
Princess Di was one, Princess Kate is becoming one…. If you’re a gay prince, with your own army of stylists and beauticians at hand, just think of the influence you could wield in the fashion world…
2) No Longer Possible to Execute You
As discussed above in relation to Edward II’s unfortunate death. In fact, violent homophobes would have their work cut out for them, because you’d have your own security detail
3) Opportunity to Meet All Your Gay Icons
Madonna, Kylie, and Bette Midler would all be thrilled to meet you
4) Think of the Groupies
…Need I say more?
5) Embraced by the LGBT Community Around the World
Be a legend for your fellow gays
6) All the Normal Reasons Why You Would Want to Come out of the Closet Anyway
None of the lies, the deceit, the pretending to be something you’re not, the “yes mum, I just haven’t found the right girl,” etc. Match your public image with your real identity!
7) Really Screw Up the Political Spectrum
In their fervent support of you, jingoist monarchists would be cheering alongside gay rights activists, and right-wing homophobes would be in the same camp as liberal anti-monarchists. Heh heh, that’ll really fuck things up….
8) Best Gay Wedding. Ever.
Wills and Kate had at least £20 million to blow. With that kind of budget, you could probably hire Kylie.
9) One Massive Leap Forward for Gay Rights
Needless to say, if you came out as a royal and campaigned for LGBT rights, it would be very difficult for the public to ignore the issue anymore.
10) Imminent Oscar-winning Biopic About You
Oh my god, your story has ‘Hollywood treatment’ written all over it. As explained in my February 27th blog, you will surely be portrayed by some hot straight A-lister who will later be teary-eyed, accepting an Oscar for their performance of you.
Basically, I don’t see where you can go wrong. If the United States can elect a black president, surely at least Europe is ready for a publicly gay royal.
In the meantime, Britain seems happy enough with a commoner-turned-princess. Although the feminist in me is disappointed with Kate Middleton’s lack of career. Check this: despite graduating from one of Britain’s top universities, the only job she has ever held outside her family’s party supply business was at the high street clothing chain, Jigsaw. And that was for less than a year. Dude, whatever happened to Cinderella? At least she had a good work ethic. And sang to melodiously to household critters . Come on, she deserved happily ever after. Then again, I suppose it looks good enough to put Future Queen of Britain on your CV….
But Kate, you know what would really bulk up your CV? I’m talking the kind of accomplishment that would override those snide comments about any lack of professional or real-world experience? If you could manage to write on it: “Helped legalize gay marriage in the UK.”
Try topping that with your shapely bum, younger sister.